Husbands, Wives And Partners

Chapter 12

Many of the lifelong beliefs formed by men and woman, whether they’re about money, work, sex or religion, are most often obtained in childhood from their parents. One of the most consequential beliefs a child will acquire is what are the necessary relational components and social skills to have a successful adult marriage or long-term romantic relationship. For most children it is the relationship that he or she sees modeled by their parents that will largely influence the quality and success of their own adult marriage or partnership.

Of all the belief systems I acquired from my parents it was how to have a healthy romantic relationship and eventually a healthy loving marriage that required the most work and took me the longest time. Growing up I developed my own belief in the meaning of love. At the time it was based on a mixture of what I observed in my parent’s relationship, what I saw in movies and on TV and what I heard in the heart and heartbreak lyrics of popular music. Basically I thought love was a combination of sex, romance and the feeling of being loved by a women. In my twenties I believed that one of the primary purposes of marriage was to provide an ever-present solution for my sexual needs and feelings of loneliness.

In addition and more importantly, being married or having a romantic relationship furnished me with the belief that I was important and that I mattered. When I wasn’t in a relationship, and I knew there was no wife or girlfriend thinking or caring about me, I would feel alone, unsafe and inadequate. Many years later I discovered a large part of these feelings were established in my childhood from the lack of what I have referred to as healthy loving parenting.

It took me years to unlearn the faulty beliefs I had acquired, and even more years to learn and practice the new concepts and principles I had been missing. Remarkably, as with so many of the emotional wounds from my childhood, the most life-changing knowledge and healing I received… began with horses.

As I spent more and more time with them, and to my profound amazement, the ten herd dynamics I saw that created successful horse relationships eventually helped me to learn, practice and express what I now believe is the true meaning of Love in romantic relationships and eventually marriage.

I discovered there were two major factors that accounted for the success of long-term relationships that horses had with each other. Conversely both were often the cause for the failure of long-term human partnerships and marriages, including my own. The first, which existed for both humans and horses, was the way each species practiced and expressed their love for one another. One classic example of how to express love that was applicable for both species was: “Treat others the same way that you want to be treated“ ...or The Golden Rule.

The second factor only existed for humans. It was the need for a man or women to have a personal awareness and subsequent healing of their Wounded Inner Child - a human emotional trauma caused by a painful experience from one’s childhood that has never been resolved or healed and continues to exist in one’s adult psyche. To have a successful marriage or romantic relationship that are drama free you usually have had to resolve any unsettled negative issues with your mother and or father even if they have passed. If not, every time you’re having an upset with your husband, wife or significant other you will often be unconsciously super imposing your mother or father on to your partner in your response.

This was definitely the most consequential factor in my two failed marriages and long-term romantic relationships. It wasn’t until I was a grown man approaching 60 that I was able, with help from my therapist, to heal the emotional wounds I had experienced from my mother as a child. At last I was able to let go of all my judgments, criticisms, resentments, disappointments, hurts, and make peace with her. I could love her for who she was and for who she wasn’t in a way I had never experienced before. I felt free and deeply grateful. It was then that I was finally available to have a healthy loving relationship with a women.